Forgiveness is a powerful thing

I have no shame in saying I’ve been bitter and sad for the past month. I’ve slowly made changes to fix this. I left the toxic work environment where no employee was valued, I’ve set plans in place to work on making healthy fitness choices, but one thing isn’t the easiest. It needs to be done, and that is FORGIVENESS.

Like I said, I’m bitter. I’m bitter and mad at every pregnant woman I see, including some of my closest friends. I’m hurt by the work place that didn’t give a damn about my health or growth in the company. I want to punch the people who reached out to say sorry, but yet tell me how amazing their pregnancy is progressing. I hate myself for letting my emotions let my diet get out of control. I’ve thought long and hard on what will make my life less angry.  I can’t push all my pregnant friends away. I can’t punch that girl in the face. I also will never be able to fix my ex regional directors cold heartedness. So, forgiveness is it. I’m also NOT saying every pregnant person should be sorry for being pregnant. That is not the case at all, before you go twisting my words. If anything, I’m sorry and trying to forgive myself for being this person, when I know others deserve more.

Let me make one thing crystal clear. I DO NOT forgive anything, I’m stubborn as hell and I never say sorry. Forgiving someone/yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. I see interviews of families that forgive the person that murder their family member. I figure if these people can forgive, so can I. So here’s the list.

  1. The cold-hearted bosses boss – YOU made me hate myself. You made me hate being a woman. Which drove me crazy considering, you are one as well. I felt that my issues were something that could just be something that was swept under the rug and made out to be something like stubbing my toe. Maybe I’m missing the bigger picture here. I do not know your life story. I do not know what made you a cold-hearted lifeless human. I would never want someone to go through what I went through, but maybe that’s why you did it. There’s more to this, so here I am letting this hate and anger go.
  2. My pregnant friends – I hate myself for pushing you to the side. You. Your beautiful babies. Your beautiful bumps. I adore these pictures. I adore your happiness. I was wrong for pushing you away and feeling sorry for myself. The close friends, I know you’re here for me and I apologize for not being here for you. Now, I’m not saying I’m forgiving you for being pregnant. I’m trying to forgive myself for being a shit friend. I didn’t mean to cast a cloud on your beautiful sunshine.
  3. The Instagram randos – I’m excited you read my blog. I’m happy your pregnancy if progressing well. I’m letting go of the feeling like you wanted to shove it in my face. I know this isn’t your plan. I mean, what else can you say to me? No words fix that feeling.
  4. My husband – If your words could fix the world, I wouldn’t feel this way. I wish I could take in everything you say. Some days its in one ear and out the other. I glaze over and push myself back. I know your intentions are pure. I love you for that.
  5.  Myself – My biggest victim. I beat myself up day in and day out. Break myself down and tell myself I’m broken over and over again. I remind myself I’m not the only one, but yet again, there’s no fixing the emotions. I forgive myself for building up these walls.

Clean slate. Obviously, not everyone on this list did something wrong or anything at all, but it’s a step in the right direction. Saying sorry and forgiving myself is a start.

Tomorrow means, new job and new start.

KB

 

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